Drunken Bowling -or- The Time Peter Ran for Troy City Council

Back in the college days at good ol' RPI, our group of friends had a tradition on Saturday nights called "Drunken Bowling". Now I'm sure that we didn't invent anything new, as many before us must have been able to come up with the brilliant idea of getting drunk and then bowling. However, it was still fun to see what kinds of havoc you could wreak at the bowling alley when you're totally intoxicated. Especially when this alley is in downtown Troy, NY.

Drunken Bowling or "D 'n' B" as we also affectionately called it, would typically begin at about 9 or 10 at the bowling alley bar. You see, the actual bowling alley promotion was that starting at midnight on Saturday, you pay like $7 and then you get shoes and unlimited games until about 3am. They kill all the main lighting and fire up the laser lights and the disco balls and the loud rock music. It was that kind of cosmic party bowling for people who really could give a rat's ass about their scores.

We would spend a couple of hours in the bar getting ourselves all liquored up and ready to bowl come midnight. Depending on our mood and motiviation, sometimes we would stay at the bar all night and forget to bowl... which is pretty sad since the bar has giant windows which look down upon the alleys. So it's pretty hard to forget where you are and why you're there. Typically, we would pass the time by playing drinking games or cracking the door to either the men's or women's bathroom and screaming "Happy Birthday!" (More on this later.. maybe). Drinking games would usually involve a rousing game of "I Never" or "3-Man" or simply playing pop-a-shot basketball in the corner of the bar.

Editor's Note: If you haven't played "I Never", it's the game that gives you a great opportunity to discover which states your friends hooked up with other people at what time and in how many ways. People would say something like "I never have hooked up with two people on the same day" and then anybody who had done that exact deed would have to drink. If the statement was so obscure that nobody had done it, the person who said it would have to drink. Since I used to like to drink and be a smart-ass at the same time, I would say stuff like "I've never spanked an Amish man"... because I had never spanked an Amish man, and typically no one else had either.

Okay, so about this Happy Birthday thing (why don't I just tell you what that's all about?), there was one time we were there to celebrate our friend Heather's 22nd birthday. We came down to the lanes with a big banner that happened to say "Happy 22nd Birthday Heather!" and hung it up in the bar where we proceeded to drink under it for a couple of hours. Well, one of the "guests" didn't realize it was a birthday party until he was leaving at the end of the "bar portion" of the evening. He looks at the sign that's been hanging there all night and says calmly, "I didn't know it was Heather's birthday." I should also point out that he was from southern California. With the birthday girl in the bathroom, he decides to run over, open the door, and shout "Happy Birthday Heather!". We were all dumbfounded. Drunk, and yet still dumbfounded. We of course then decided that it was funny to do to other people all the time. People I know still f***ing do it to me.

Well, when midnight rolled around, we'd get our shoes and our lanes and begin the task of entering our names into the electronic scoreboard. This was typically the highlight of the night as we would compete to see who could give who the most family-unfriendly nickname of the night. One of our female friends got the handle "One million served", while another got saddled with "Pledge F*cker". "Bent Choad" and "Amtrak Blowjob" also got some repeated play. So, you can imagine when a strike was bowled, how hilarious it was to look up at the scoreboard and see "Strike Pledge F*cker Strike!" flashing on it. It's amazing we didn't get kicked out.

As the games wore on and the drinks kept coming, our skills rapidly diminished. It didn't stop us from doing all sorts of trick shots that would end up two lanes over, clanking off the pin sweeper, and rolling halfway back down the alley. It's always fun to have to explain to the guy behind the counter that you need to get your ball back because you were being stupid.

Towards the end of the night they would hold a raffle based on tickets you obtained when you paid for your shoes. You could win all sorts of shirts and key chains with beer logos on them. Since we made up most of the clientele, we would usually rack up pretty well on the prizes. I think I still have 2 or 3 Twisted Sheila's Tequila or Honey Brown tee-shirts somewhere in a box in my basement.

At 3am-ish (and it varied from week to week), they would kick us out, forcing us to go to our next establishment: "I Love New York Pizza". This was a great pizza joint in downtown Troy that was open until around 5 in the morning. It was nestled between a couple of Troy's "finer" dance clubs and it was the only place we knew of that you could walk into and say "1 hot cheese/cold cheese please" and they'd know what the hell you were talking about. They would take some of their cheese pizza that had been sitting there on the counter, throw an ample handful of grated cheese on the top of it, and throw it in the oven for a minute. And I don't know if it was the alcohol or what, but at that exact moment, it was the most delicious thing in the world. My arteries harden just thinking about it.

As there was very little seating there, we would do what everybody else would do, stand outside and eat it on the street corner. The corner was usually packed too, as people from the clubs would pop over and grab something to eat. It was a pretty cool atmosphere down there.

At one point, our friend Peter started shaking people's hands as they were leaving the restaurant and saying "Hello, I'm Peter such-and-such, and I'm running for Troy city council". Awesome, just awesome. I don't know that anybody believed him, but they were probably all drunk too, so all bets are off. Either way, it was hilarious.