Let me win, but if I cannot win... f*** your mother!

Based on an experience I had last night, I'm reminded of a story.

First things first, the experience I had last night was officiating a Shrove Tuesday a.k.a. Mardi Gras "pancake race" at my church. The event is for children of the congregation to run a lap around the church hall with a pancake on a spatula. If at any point, the pancake falls off the spatula, the person would have to stop and put it back on before continuing the race, losing precious time. The other monkeywrench in this is that at any given time I would yell out "Stop!" and "Flip!", and the participants would have to flip the pancakes and catch them back on the spatula. Well, about 10 children particpated in it, and a good time was had by all... that is until we got to the final race.

The final race pitted three children of different ages against each other, and since in this case age was indeed a factor in "talent", the race finished in the expected order of oldest to youngest. As the youngest girl finished the race, she started balling her eyes out. I felt bad for her and I wasn't really sure what to do to console her. I crouched down and whispered, "It's okay. You did great!" One of the other event helpers came to bail me out. Together, we tried giving her one of the toy Mardi Gras crowns. She didn't want it... pushed it away. We tried giving her a certificate that said she was a race "winner", which was of course a bold-faced lie. She pushed that away. Finally, we were able to get the winner of the race to give up her first place crown to the little girl in order to get the crying to stop.

That story's not so funny. This one is.

Something similar happened to me about 9 years ago. Although, in this case, it involved adults. Adults with mental disabilities.

My fraternity in college helped out with Special Olympics basketball every spring, and as president of my fraternity, I was in charge of MC'ing it this particular year. I didn't have to give any exciting speeches or anything, but I was in charge of reading off names and giving out awards to the top finishers. At the beginning of the day, to start the festivities, one disabled adult is chosen to read the Special Olympics Motto, which goes something like this:

"Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt."

This in and of itself, is a very heartwarming statement. However, I'll never look at it the same way again after that day.

When it came time to read off the names of the winners, I stepped up to the podium and noticed the table of gold, silver, and bronze medals, as well as ribbons for 4th through 6th place. My fraternity brothers and sisters (we were co-ed) were lined up alongside me to place said ribbons and medals over their heads. This was to be the culmination of a spiritually fulfilling day of friendly competition.

That was before my verbal tongue-lashing at the hands of one of the competitors.

I don't remember any names, nor do I remember the event I was reading for at the time, but whoever it was that I called up to the stand was supposed to get a 4th place ribbon, because you know, he came in 4th place. My fraternity sister Melissa went to put the ribbon around his neck, and he ducked away and instead made a bee-line for the award table.

As he tried to make a smash-and-grab for one of the medals, I kinda half-heartedly put my forearm out to block him from doing so, waving it around over the table in a defensive posture. I said to him, "You came in 4th place. You get this ribbon right here." (pointing to it) What happened next was unthinkable.

The guy starts screaming at me:

"Shit! Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck your mother!"

as I stared with a look of horror on my face. I turned to look at the event coordinator and he says to me

"Keep reading names!"

My sheepish response back was, "Yeah, but is this going to be a problem?".

So he calls for some people who care for this guy to come help escort him away from the podium. As they try to grab him, he starts squirming and shaking them off. This is turning into a real scene, all the while the guy is still swearing and cussing.

"Fuck you! Fuck your mother!"

In the end, they had to carry him out. The rest of the ceremony went off without a hitch. As we were leaving at the end of the day, I turned to my friend Steve and said:

"I think I've come up with a new Special Olympics Motto.... 'Let me win, but if I cannot win, fuck your mother!'"

Steve replied:

"Oh yeah. And by the way, that wasn't the worst of it. The guy shit his pants too."

Classic.