Having Twins Leads to Stupid Questions

My wife and I hosted a mother of twins group picnic at our house this weekend, and it reminded me of all the nonsensical things you have to deal with when you're out with your twins in public. Before I proceed, you should all know that I am the father of soon-to-be 3 year old twins, one boy and one girl.

Now, whenever we're in public with the kids, and we've got them both in the same stroller going to God-knows-where, we become a target to be stopped by strangers and asked ridiculous questions. I'm not a social priss who's offended by being stopped by people... that's not my issue. My issue is the stupid things that come out of people's mouths when in the presence of my kids.

The first question I get asked is, "Are they twins?".

What I want to say is: "No, they're circus midgets of varying ages. He's actually her father, but you can't tell due to his testosterone deficiency. As you can imagine, he's terribly upset about having to be in a stroller."

Of course they're twins, they're exactly the same size! And usually, they're wearing cutesy matching clothes.

That's not even the dumbest question, because what usually follows is, "Are they identical?"

What I want to say is: "Yes, except for the c*ck. He's got one and she doesn't. Otherwise, they're completely identical.

It's not like we have a tomboyish girl... she looks and dresses like a girl. I think people just don't understand what the word "identical" means. Coming from the same vagina doesn't make them identical... looking identically like each other makes them identical.

Geesh.