Why I'll never be on Fear Factor

Well, amongst other things, I'm probably no longer considered cosmetically good-looking enough to be on the show. Seems they are now gravitating towards supermodels, or women who look good in bikinis. Well, I fit into neither category, so I guess that rules me out.

But the #1 reason I would never go on the show, as I re-discovered last night, is the "disgusting eating contest" that they have every week. See, it's not just that you would have to eat goat scrotum in front of millions of viewers, but you have to be the fastest goat scrotum eater of them all. I would hate to swallow my pride (amonst other things), dig in, chow down, and then lose the competition. I mean, seriously, who wants to be the second fastest goat scrotum eater at the table? Doesn't it have to be all or nothing? Wouldn't you hate to finish that disgusting task only to discover that you're still going home because Billy Bob from Sheep's Ass, Nebraska beat you out with his last-second gulp down?

And then you lose and get to go home, no prizes, no money, just the ignominy that comes with having the whole country watch you chow down on goat scrotum. I don't even know if they validate your parking after that. You're gone. History. Winner gets $50,000, which I still haven't determined to be enough money for somebody to have to go through that. But they do.. every week. Somebody out there wants to do it. It's just not me.

And in case you're wondering, yes, this article does set a modern-day record for using the expression "goat scrotum" the most times.